My Beautiful Broken Brain Screenshot

The Stuff We Take for Granted: My Beautiful Broken Brain, Part 1

Words are something we take for granted. But all of that changed when Lotje Sodderland woke up in her apartment, disoriented, ill. A headache made it difficult to think. Impossible to speak. She left her apartment and stumbled into a nearby hotel, where she collapsed. Lotje was having a stroke.

This is the emotional opening to Netflix’s documentary, My Beautiful Broken Brain, a culmination of Lotje’s efforts to understand her new way of seeing and interacting with the world with aphasia. We’re unpacking this wonderful documentary in a series of four posts.

Waking Up

She explains in an article she wrote using Siri for the Guardian that when she woke in the hospital, she was unable to reassure her family and friends. She recognized her brother but explains: “When I woke up, I knew who he and my mother were – but I couldn’t be sure the familiar stranger inhabiting my body was me.”

My brother and mother loomed down at me, and a funereal line of friends came to the ward. They looked at me with sad eyes; I wished I could say something to assuage their sadness. There is no silence more resounding than that of a cognitive communication malfunction.

That communication malfunction is the focus of the film.

Unable to Speak or Read

Lotje describes her inability to speak as “beyond terrifying.” While she can’t comprehend or produce language after the stroke, her brain begins to find new spoken language routes a few weeks later.

For instance, with practice, she reaches the point that if someone says a word, she can repeat the word. But despite repeating the word several times, she can’t hold it in her brain. She is retaught the word “record,” and repeats it over and over again. Yet each time she looks at the object, she asks the videographer how to say the word.

She is candid about her recovery, admitting “I didn’t think I’d have trouble with the word ‘the’.” She struggles with retaining information and remembering the order of things. Prior to the stroke, she was a writer and reader, working at an advertising agency. After the stroke, she can’t read and admits as she looks at an Internet page that “it’s gobbledygook.”

The Stuff We Take for Granted

What she lost was “the stuff we take for granted,” her brother says in the film. In exchange for her words, she gains a heightened sense of reality. She experiences colours and sounds differently, and everything is intensified.

This is where the film starts. Our next article will unpack where the film takes the viewer.



  • Robyn Chapman
    September 20, 2017 at 1:10 am

    My husband has a stroke 4 years ago and there has been very little improvement with his aphasia. He continues to have speech therapy but still can not hold a conversation or read. It is a very frustrating and seemingly hopeless situation.

  • Joanne Wood
    September 20, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    I watched my beautiful broken brain 4 months after a seizure which I lost my speech, this led to scans and finding a large mass on my brain. It’s 14 months on since brain surgery to remove a large tumour, I am still struggling with speech and my communication skills.
    Lotje’s experience in the film is how I felt, the situation when you can’t communicate is frightening. I am a sign language interpreter for the deaf, I couldn’t speak but could sign, but no one in the hospital could sign. Too have the words in your head and not be able to get them out of your mouth is frustrating, your understanding is the same but you just can’t process the word or pronounce it, you know what you want to say, it’s mumbled and slurred.
    I find aphasia extremely frustrating , it makes me anxious. I was a really good communicator as my job, but now I see so much to relearn and ‘fix’. I see a speech and language therapist, which I find helpful. I have come to realise most people don’t hold a conversation well, they stumble over words, get word order mixed up, make words up and forget where they are in a conversation, when you have aphasia you are more aware of the speech problems, we can be our own worst critics. No one is perfect, just keep trying.
    I do find that, environment and sensory overload, fatigue, worry and anxiety also influences my speech, so best to be rested well and keep it to short conversations with one person at a time for best results.
    Thanks for ‘my beautiful broken brain’ it’s real life for us brain injury folk.

  • Laurie Seratt
    October 6, 2017 at 2:58 am

    My husband has Aphasia plusDysathria, has the Rare, chronic and progressive disease called Moya Moya, after two years and bunches of tia’s and strokes, had brain surgery and two strokes in recovery, the disease has suddenly quickly progressed to about a stoke every five day’s for months now plus a brain bleed and blood clot! This is a horrible disease that causes blindness, blackouts, seizures and strokes! Oh and death! We just got married in march of this year! Its’ a horrible road to have to travel! L. Mcmillin (Seratt)

  • Frances Lawson
    January 5, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    My husband is almost 3 years post stroke he has global aphasia and apraxia he picks up words like night night and thank you now but still needs prompting most of the time, he amazing enough can read ok he can repeat words well but can’t seem to hold onto them for any length time

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